ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
