I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
