i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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