You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
