I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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