The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
