Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
