You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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