I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
