My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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