I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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