I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Don't EVER smell your tampon
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
