I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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