Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sober January is a disaster.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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