What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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