evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
