I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it was like eating out sand paper
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
