I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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