Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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