If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
