Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
