You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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