The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
