I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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