I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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