Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
