Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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