everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
