Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
