New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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