Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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