i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we're making bets on your personal life
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
