high people should be assigned attendants
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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