my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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