so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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