Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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