if i can run in heels then i can drive
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
this hospital has no fireball
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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