She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
