We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
