No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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