I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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