Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she smelled like a LAN party
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think my moral compass just broke
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
