her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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