I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Sorry about my life...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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