Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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