Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
