Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
