I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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