FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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