I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
