I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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