I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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