He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
