I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
