oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
