You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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