Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
