before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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